Mini meltdown
I had a mini meltdown today, as I have had a couple of really great days and my life is as close to "normal" as it might ever get. I can't even remember what normal days really felt like, because I will never have days when I don't have colitis, don't have it looming over me 24/7. Nevertheless, I have been able to go out and have fun, to have a taste of what my old life was like, except without a job or jobs. And I love it. I still have tons of worries, and I have to be cautious about things, but these days are generally a lot better than past ones.

Why the meltdown? Because even when I feel like this, I am still not supporting myself. I am still not worrying about all the normal life things and expenses that most people, like Ian, are worrying about. I still have all these factors absent from my life, things I haven't had to deal with yet. And because I have had so many months of being sick, I haven't looked at job postings for a really long time. I have blocked out a lot of those torturing thoughts, and have tried to forget for the time being how much I loved teaching, being around children, interacting with so many people everyday. Now when I start to think of all of these things, I am scared. I am so scared that I don't know if I can ever have confidence in myself, my body, my mind again to do any of them. And having the disease I have, the limitations my body might always have, it would be false and foolish to have such confidence. With all the daily worries, medicines, pains, etc. that I have to still deal with, I don't know if I can ever throw myself into something so time-consuming, stress-producing, and schedule-heavy as teaching.

I'm still not in a position to get on the subway at 7:30, to say that I can definitely make it to class and all the way through to the end. I forget what it's like to interview, to go through training, to have to stick to a schedule. I cannot NOT tell employers about my situation, which means, any day, any minute, I could get terribly ill again, and will have to quit, or call in sick a lot. I am no longer a reliable person and there's not much I can do about that.

Even when I busy myself with Etsy, writing, and other little monetary and creative pursuits, I am so fully aware of the fact that I am not supporting myself at all. That I am not even close to making enough money to buy monthly food, let alone anything else. I am aware that my loans are deferred, that I am depending on Medicaid, that Ian is paying rent, our phone bill, and many other expenses that come up. I am dependent on everyone for everything and no one is dependent on me for anything. It's still difficult to come to terms with that everyday, and I DO think of these things every single day. I am grateful, and at the same time, embarrassed, sheepish, and ashamed. I feel like I am running really fast in a field of mud, always trying, but never getting anywhere. Slipping, falling, trying to pick myself back up again, only to encounter the same scenario.

My meltdown only lasted 5 minutes, but it was an intense 5 minutes where I looked at education positions at museums, gardens, parks, that two years ago I would have applied to in a second, and would have had a good chance of getting. Now, I look at the hours, or commute, or all the responsibilities, the exact times to be places, the reliability one must have, and I know. I know I can't do it anymore. But I don't know what else I can do, what I can offer right now to any employer. I keep getting stuck in the mud and I'm tired and beaten and discouraged.