These past few weeks I lost a lot of the motivations that I precariously held on to in order to get through the day. I was somewhat excited about various writing projects, even if I didn't actively pursue them. I felt better about going out a little more. I had so many craft ideas in my head, many of which I wanted to submit to magazines or contests. Unfortunately, I go through periods where all of those things still exist, but the motivations are gone. I happen to be in one of those now.

My health isn't any worse than it was, but my spirit and heart are crushed for a variety of reasons. I've adopted the "what's the point?" attitude, and it is difficult to make myself do the most basic things, like eating and showering. Last week I had the momentary distraction of planning for and organizing a barbecue in the park, which went really well. But, I've had a lot of trouble with eating--I just can't do it--and it got me thinking about the disagreement between body and mind.

I know my body wants food, but when I feel depressed and such, I have less hunger pains. But even when I do have hunger pains, my mind still says no. I already have a complicated relationship with food because of my illness, but this time around, my aversion to it is more parallel to an aversion to life. All I want to do is sleep, or rather, be unconscious. I want to be woken up when my life, healthwise and lovewise, is better. I am so tired of crying, so tired of my eyes burning from too many tears. So tired.

Yesterday I took a long bath so that I could cry by myself instead of enduring more fake comfort. I can't decide if I feel lonelier if I'm the only one in the room or not. I sat in the tub and realized I had no reason to get out. There was nothing waiting for me, no conversation to be had, no place to go. Why would I rush out and quickly get dressed? I felt frozen and stagnant. So, I I just lay there, half falling asleep, half hoping my body would just continue to shrivel up like a raisin in the sun.

Something has to change soon, and maybe that should just be my perspective. I'd much rather it be something more miraculous than that, like truly loving myself again or making more strides in terms of my health. Nonetheless, something has to change.