Recap
There is so much to say about the holidays and I don't think I've articulated even half of it to myself yet. I can honestly say I had a fantastic time in Pittsburgh, despite not feeling perfect or of sound body and mind. I had all of these flexibly-set goals, mostly to visit certain people and places, and I was able to achieve all of them. Last year I was functioning moderately well too, but I was doped up on steroids and dealing with more side effects I could admit to everyone, including myself. The most difficulty I had this time around was having to relate, over and over, what I'm up to now, work-wise and such. I don't feel like I'm doing enough, and I'm not financially, and it's depressing to converse about different gigs I have, knowing that they all know: she is not supporting herself. I've become so used to delivering the same sentences over and over though, feigning excitement about what I'm doing and almost tricking myself into believing that I chose this path.

I held my Godson, whom I had not seen in over 2 years. He isn't really of holding-age at 4, so I asked him, "Can I hold you?" and he nodded yes, and I could have died happy right then and there. As I held him, his slightly older brother showed me his stuffed animal, Ribbits (frog), which I remembered because of the bed time rituals and making sure everyone had their favorite stuffed companion. I remembered rocking him to sleep one night, after the rest of them were in bed, and knowing I could put him down in his crib and choosing not to. This is it, I thought, it doesn't get any better than this, rocking a baby to sleep in your very own arms, watching his sleepy eyes watching you back before they succumb to tiredness.

On my last night, I went downtown with my parents to see the ice skating rink, the Santas around the World display, and the department store windows. As I turned from one window, to proceed to the next, a guy my age walked past me and gave me the most sincere smile I've seen in a long time. It was the strangest thing, not the normal flirtatious smile, not a silly grin, not a there's-pizza-sauce-on-your-face smile, just a genuine smile when we locked eyes for 2 seconds. I smiled back, without thinking, and then he passed. I followed his shape, as it got smaller and smaller, never turning around, and at that moment, that profound feeling of dread hit me that hadn't done so in years: I didn't want to leave.

I have never dealt well with transition from one place to another. I am usually fine the next day, but that transition time--on a bus, plane, car, or train--I am filled with dread. I cannot stand the in-between time, the limbo. Inevitably, when I arrive at the destination, the dread turns to sadness and weeping, not because this place isn't a home too, but because it all feels wrong, because I was in denial during the transition time, and suddenly feel dropped in the middle of nowhere. I don't understand why I'm there.

I hadn't felt that in a while because I always WANT to get back to wherever I came from, because it means I will have successfully traveled and "made it", that my illness did not prevent me from completing a trip. It's gratifying and exciting, and also a relief that I'm "done". This time around, I wasn't so concerned with my lack of capabilities; I was semi-confident for once, and therefore devastated that I had to leave regardless. I cried a bit at the airport, just sitting there by myself, but then had my new fear of flying to deal with and distract me. On my way back to Brooklyn from Newark, I was filled with dread, unhappy that public transportation was so quick and efficient. I felt full of anger but I didn't know why. Nothing felt right. I see Ian for the first time in over a week and I quietly unpack, then I sob for 20 minutes. Going to bed was what I needed to speed up the transition, I guess, because I felt "normal" the next day.

Now that everyone is returning to work though, I don't feel "right" anymore. I still have no idea what I should be focusing on, where my life is going, what I want to be doing, etc. I feel lost and confused and not busy enough, now that the holidays are over, but maybe that is also the proverbial winter blues and/or cabin fever, and the inability to hop on my bike and go to the park for an hour. I hope it will pass.